Stevie Effin' G

"I don't think there's anything worse than a player diving when no one's been anywhere near him. It does ruin the game...If I saw a team-mate doing it, I would definitely have a word." - Steven Gerrard

Steven Gerrard is a Phil Collins fan. I'm sure there are many who would agree, it wouldn't be entirely unjustified to end this post right there. But, in the interests of fairness...

Most of us know someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't mind a bit of Uncle Phil. When confronted, they usually simply shrug, look a bit sheepish, and mumble something along the lines of, "well, I like some of his songs, you know...and that drum fill that goes duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh, duh..." It's a mistake, yes. A crime against music, perhaps. But there are worse things in this world, eh?

Worse things - like the unrepentant Phil Collins fan. The sort of Phil Collins fan who has the balls to ask a DJ (a DJ - ie someone who is paid for his musical knowledge) to stick on a bit of Sussudio. Worse still, are those Phil Collins fans who, having had their requests denied, enlist the help of two of their mates to batter the crap out of anyone who refuses to play "You Can't Hurry Love."

For legal reasons, we must point out that Stevie Effin' G is NOT one of those fans. A jury of 12 Liverpudlians in a Liverpool courtroom found the Liverpool captain and his multi-million pound legal team completely innocent of any such behaviour. The only reason he threw the first punch was because he was worried the DJ was about to put on some Peter Gabriel-era Genesis.

There is also no truth in the rumour that the suit Stevie wore for the court case was the same one he wore when found guilty of drunk-driving.

Or any truth whatsoever in the rumours that the England Captain recently had that suit dry cleaned and went to court to take out an injunction against a 16 year old girl who ended up pregnant with his baby.

Steven Gerrard MBE is the England Captain. A modern day Bobby Moore, if you will.